A false preview of Harry Potter 5
by Jezebella
Summary: June 21 has come and gone, but that's no reason not to read this false preview of Harry Potter to satisfy your cravings for Harry Potter material and a good laugh.
1. The dream

A False Preview of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix  
Chapter One: The Dream

  


The hottest day of the summer so far was drawing to a close and a drowsy silence lay over the large, square houses of Privet Drive. The only person left outside was a teenage boy who was lying flat on his back in a flowerbed outside number four.

"Harry!" yelled a fat boy who was Dudley. "Its time to roll me upstairs!"

Since last summer, Dudley had gained another hundred and now his weight was so immense that Harry had to roll Dudley about the house. So Harry rose from the flowerbed and started to roll Dudley up the stairs. Harry was careful not to look up Dudley's man dress for there were no pairs of underwear that would cover his fat bottom. Harry pushed Dudley into his room and somehow got him on the bed of smooth silk sheets.

"Now don't forget to tuck me in and give me the remote," said Dudley, as his ten fat chins bobbed up and down. "Oh, and go get me some Mars bars and fizzy drinks while you're up, and don't forget the swirly straw." All summer long, Harry had to do all of his chores, roll Dudley about the house and gather things for him.

Around ten o'clock at night Dudley had fallen to sleep and Harry could start his homework for the night. Tonight, Harry decided to an essay on the phases of the moon and how they can affect the powers of certain plants. Harry worked late into the night and around three o'clock in the morning, he fell asleep with his essay completed and Quidditch Through the Ages in his hands.

  
  


Around five in the morning, Harry had a dream. He dreamed that he was going up a set of metal stairs, at the top was a round room with many doors, one of which was open and had a light emerging from it. Harry entered the room

"Hermione," Harry asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh Harry," said Hermione. "You're so hot, hot, hot, hot!" Soon Harry was having sex with Hermione and then he woke up.

"Why is my bed so wet?" Harry questioned. This was to be the first of his scariest dreams he would ever have, each time, waking up with a wet bed. 

"Harry," shrieked Aunt Petunia. "Time to roll up Dudley-kins down stairs!"


	2. The escape

Chapter 2: The Escape

  


Every night between five o'clock and six o'clock, Dudley watched his favorite show, the Great Hamberto. This short hour was the only time that Harry wasn't laboring over something while the Dursleys were awake. He could do anything that he pleased during this short hour as long as it didn't involve making too many loud noises and being in the kitchen, but even with this new break in the evening Harry grew annoyed of this summer's new labors. So late one night he set a plan to escape the Dursleys' house, but there was one flaw.

"Where should I stay this summer?" Harry pondered. "Wait, I could stay with Ron, he said that I could come over this summer if I wanted to." So Harry plotted his escape plan. At five in the afternoon the next evening, Harry went upstairs and packed silently. Harry finally packed his trunk and had Hedwig all set to go, but then he remembered that he must make sure he had everything. Harry looked all over the room for quills, rolls of parchment and other things. At quarter of six, Harry left the Dursley house, unnoticed.

"Get back here, boy!" shouted Uncle Vernon, who must have just seen him leaving. "You are to stay here and roll Dudley about the house forever!" Harry then raised his wand to threaten Uncle Vernon, when the Knight Bus came out of nowhere.

"Oy," said Stan, the same attendant that had been on the train two years ago. "It's Harry Potter." Stan put all of Harry's things on the bus and soon Harry was off to the Burrow, where Ron lived. Harry arrived at the Burrow at exactly fourteen minutes of six and entered the old stone pigpen that had been added on and on by many generations of people. There were so many additions that the house looked like it was held up by magic.

"Here you are, Mr. Potter." said Stan as he brought out Hedwig's cage. "I hope to see you soon." Harry left his stuff outside by a Packard. Harry suspected Mr. Weasley had placed another enchantment on the new car so that it could fly. He then entered the kitchen of the Burrow.

"Harry," said Ron who had grown a foot taller since last summer. "What are you doing here?"

"Well," Harry replied. "You said that I could come over this summer and the Dursleys were being awful so I took you up on the offer."

"Well," Ron said. "I don't want you here now."

"Why not?" said Harry. Ron blushed and took in a big breath, preparing to answer.


	3. The love potion

Chapter 3: The Love Potion

  
  


"Why don't you what me here, Ron?" asked Harry.

"Well, it's Ginny, she was trying to make a love potion for you but accidentally drank some herself, and I think that she put in the porcupine quills before putting in an eye of Newt."

"You -- Ron- why didn't you tell her not to add the quills? Thought she'd make you look good if she got it wrong, did you? If I were Professor Snape, I would have taken a point away from Gryffindor," said Harry.

"Now Ginny is..." What Ron was about to say never did happen, for Ginny came in the room in a thong and see-through shirt.

"Oh, Harry," said Ginny in a seductive voice. "You're so manly…… make love to me!"

"The potion won't wear off and she drank it a month ago," said Ron. "She will continue acting this weird until it does, and I'm afraid to let her outside."

Ginny then put her thin arm around Harry and said, "Come on, Harry. Be a man! Let's do it." Then she started to rub against him.  
"Goodbye Ron," Harry said as he ran outside and got him and all of his things in the new flying car and flew off. "Your family is too weird. I'm leaving."  
Ron waited until Harry was less then a speck in his view and went over to the kitchen counter and helped Hermione out, who had been hiding under there the whole time. "Now that he's gone..." said Ron. "...we can spend some time together."  
"Oh Ron," said Ginny, who really was under the spell of a love potion. "Can I join in?" Ginny then started to remove her clothes, but Ron quickly put a stop to that by tying her up in the closet.  


Harry drove far south in the enchanted Packard that he had swiped from Ron's yard. He continued for hours and hours, fearing that Ginny might be chasing him on a broom. Finally, the car ran out of gas and Harry was forced to land somewhere in South America. Right after Harry landed, Sirius jumped out of a bush and said "Harry, my godson, how are you?"

"Fine," replied Harry. "Hey, Sirius, let's go on a road trip." Harry suddenly looked at the dashboard, and noticed it was out of gas. "There's no more gas in the car. Darn."

Sirius turned a stone into a container of gas and filled the car with it, and then Harry and Sirius flew off in the Packard. "Where should we go?" asked Sirius.


	4. The road trip

Chapter 4: The Road Trip

  
  


Harry and Sirius, in their newly gassed up flying car, decided to go have some fun. But they were also having a mild disagreement as in where to go.

"EURO-DISNEY WORLD! EURO-DISNEY WORLD!" screamed Sirius.  
"PLAYBOY MANSION! PLAYBOY MANSION!" screamed Harry.  
"We should come to a compromise. How about we first go to Euro-Disney World, then playboy mansion, ok Harry?" Sirius compromised  
"No. We're going to the playboy mansion first." 

"Fine" said Sirius, and they both got into the car. He drove Harry to Playboy mansion.  
"Cool! I didn't know you could make a bunny suit that see-through without it falling off! I wonder how they get them to stay on." Harry exclaimed excitedly, as two Swedish  
twins walked over to him.  
"Hi, leetle boy weeth a scar on hees head!" they purred.

Sirius didn't get out of the car. "Bye-bye, Harry. Have fun! I'm off to Euro-Disney world. Try to think up some excuse to get picked up from here." he said, flying off in the silver Packard.

"Hey, Sirius! You can't just leave me here! This was supposed to be a family bonding vacation! Aww, man!" Harry kicked the ground dejectedly, and the Swedish twins went away to greet the next guy.

"I know! I'll fly my broom to Hogwarts! No wait, I'm not allowed to." Harry thought for a while, and then said, "I'll swim back to England! What a good idea!"

After swimming several miles in less than two minutes, Harry was all tired and soggy and in need of transportation. He swam over to a small sandbar and rested.


	5. The broom chase

Chapter 5: The Broom Chase  


Harry sat on the small island with his trunk and Hedwig's cage. He thought to himself of how to get off this island and what came to mind would surely get him into trouble. Harry then pulled out his two of his most valuable possessions; the Firebolt, the fastest broom yet, which Sirius had given him in his third year, and his invisibility cloak which had once been used and owned by James Potter, Harry's father. Harry then hopped onto his Firebolt and covered himself, the broom and the trunk with the Invisibility Cloak. Harry flew up and soon came back down realizing that it would be very hard to hold a trunk for many hours flying back to Hogwarts and holding a trunk and managing for none of this to be seen.

"Screw the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery of eighteen seventy-five!" shouted Harry as he put a spell on his trunk so that it would float right behind him.  
"Stop in the name of the Ministry of Magic," said a man in a purple version of a police outfit riding upon a Cleansweep.  
"How can you see me?" questioned Harry Potter. "I am under an Invisibility Cloak."  
"Well, there is a part of your cloak that looks like someone used for fabric for an Invisible Bra."

"What? Oh no! Hermione must have used a bit of my cloak for a new bra." Harry Potter then flew off at full speed and the purple man was far behind Harry in less that a few seconds, for even Harry knew that Cleansweeps could not even beat a butterfly at a race.  


After many dull hours of flying, Harry arrived at Hogwarts and managed to sneak into the Opening Feast without being noticed. Soon, though, the remainder of Gryffindor's Quidditch team from two years ago came over to Harry.  
"Harry," said one of the two redheaded twins on the team who was identical with his twin down to the last freckle. "We have decided that you are to be Gryffindor's new Quidditch captain, since we're not here this year."  
"Why me?" Harry asked the twin.  
"Well, because Fred and I both know that Hufflepuffs still think that you are the heir of Slytherin."  
"George," replied Harry. "Is that really true?"  
"Yeah." Answered George. "Harry, you'll need to pick a new keeper, and start scheduling your training times soon."  
"Hey Ron," said Harry. "How would you like to be the Gryffindor keeper?"  
"Well," said the younger brother of the twins. "I wanted to be the Hufflepuff chaser but you are going to make me the Gryffindor keeper. Sure, I'll do it as long as Hermione will be my personal cheerleader."  
"Sure, Ron," said a beautiful fifteen-year-old woman. "Of course, you hottie!"


	6. The naughty floo powder

Chapter 6: The naughty floo powder  
  


The next day, Harry and Ron were walking down the tenth floor corridor, when suddenly Colin appeared, wearing a black suit with dark sunglasses.

"Harry Potter." said Colin as he was snapping away with his camera. "These can and will be used against you in a court of law!"  
"What the hell?" said Harry.  
"I am working for the magical F.B.I. now, Harry. Your magic-drug dealing days are over." said Colin, still taking photos. He then stopped taking photos and arrested both Harry and Ron. "You have been arrested for the endangerment of a life and the possession of magical illegal substances."  
  


"What substances?" Harry said. Colin opened Harry's bag and took out some floo powder.  
"Harry, I think that Colin knows that we sniff the floo powder, and have been for the last four years." Ron said dejectedly.

"Ron," said Harry. "Now Colin knows about our smuggling and making of magic pot and such." Colin then led the two to Dumbledore's office. Harry and Ron gazed in awe at the vast amounts of magic-pot, magic-dope, magic-reefer, magic-Mary Jane, magic-cocaine, magic-heroin, magic-Special K, magic-marijuana, magic-LSD, magic-crack, magic-X, magic-E, magic-ecstasy, magic-doobies, and other various magic-drugs.

"Harry. You should do it where everyone can see you. Just because Dumbledore can hide his drug-escapades from the public doesn't mean that you and Ron can. From now on I expect you two to deal of the right side of the law." said Colin as he pointed to over one thousand different illegal drugs packages that Dumbledore had in his large trash can.  
"That's right, Colin," said Harry. "From not on I share my pot with you and anyone else who asks." Ron then nodded in agreement with Harry.  
"Well, if you promise to give me some pot here and there, then I'll let you go," said Colin as he unlocked the handcuffs. Harry "pot-head" Potter and his hustling assistant, Ron, went back to the tenth floor where their dope-making cauldrons were hidden.


	7. The spello tape

Chapter 7: The Spello Tape

  
  


Harry and Ron closed the door to the 5th year boys' common room, and breathed a sigh of relief. "Ron, now that our illicit, illegal, illegitimate drug exploits have been divulged and exposed, we are in severe lack of a quick money scheme so I can continue forking the cash over to Cho so she'll sleep with me." Harry said, frustrated.  
"Don't worry, Harry." said Ron. "My brother, Percy, has some connections. Let's go visit him right now!"  
They both flew off to the Ministry of Magic.  
******  
"AAH! Harry! Ron! What the f#$% are you doing here?" Percy yelled, hurriedly putting on his clothes and switching off the "Witches gone wild" tape.  
"Percy! Can you get us a quick cash deal?" asked Ron.  
"Well," said Percy, "You have just interrupted some very important Ministry of Magic activities, but if you leave for a few minutes, I'll forgive you and help you out."  
Ron and Harry stepped outside Percy's office for several minutes, in which they heard some strange noises coming from inside it. Percy came out after a while. "Alright, you two. I have found a very easy job that pays incredibly well. You can do it at school, too. Here's what you need." He handed them a big box. "You will make great money selling wand repair supplies to fellow students."  
"But Percy," said Ron, "Not that many people have broken wands at any given time."  
"I will teach you a wand-breaker spell that will break all wands within 100 meters of you." Percy took out his wand. "Breakus allus wandsus withinus ahundredus meterus ofus usus nowus!" he spoke the incantation, and Harry and Ron's wands both exploded, along with Percy's.  
"Now what?" asked Harry, looking at his broken wand.  
Percy pointed to the box. "I forgot to mention that it breaks your wand too. But there's plenty of Spell-O-tape to go around!"


	8. The problem

Chapter 8: The Problem

  
  


Harry and Ron were alone in the Gryffindor common room. It was after midnight. Harry and Ron got their wands out, and chanted "Breakus allus wandsus withinus ahundredus meterus ofus usus nowus!" loudly.  
A loud bang was heard from upstairs, and McGonagall came down. "What's all the ruckus?"  
"AAAAAH!" screamed Ron and Harry, running up to their rooms from the awful sight of seeing Professor McGonagall in a red lace lingerie set.  
"That was a close one." Harry panted, trying to catch his breath. Ron didn't answer. He was banging his head, trying to get rid of the mental images. "We better be more careful from now on, Ron." Ron nodded, and after mending their wands, the two went to bed.  
******  
The next day, the entire school was puzzling over how all of the wands of the Gryffindors had busted on the same night. Hermione seemed to think it a conspiracy.   
"Truly it is a Slytherin plot to devoid the Gryffindor students of their ability to gain points, thus granting them full access to yet another House trophy." said Hermione, to anyone who would listen.  
Harry and Ron were making a killing off selling wand repair supplies. It was not without sacrifice, though.  
"I don't think I'll ever get that image of scantily dressed McGonagall out of my head." Ron winced, taking another ten Galleons for a roll of Spell-O-tape.  
"Relax, Ron." said Harry, passing out some spare dragon heartstrings. "With all the money we're making off this, we'll be able to afford almost any girl in the school!"  
The two continued passing out supplies, until Dumbledore came up to them with a stern look on his face. "Boys, we need a talk." He led them away from the crowd.  
Harry and Ron tried to look innocent. "Professor, it wasn't us! We know that someone in the Gryffindor common room after midnight performed a breakus allus wandsus withinus ahundredus meterus ofus usus nowus curse and then ran and hid, but it wasn't us!"  
"That wasn't what I wanted to see you about," said Dumbledore gruffly. "Professor McGonagall said you saw her in her pajamas last night."  
Harry and Ron looked at each other, disgusted. "Yeah? So what?"  
"Well," Dumbledore stammered. "What... did she look like? I mean... how..."  
"I don't think Dumbledore has had much luck getting her into bed." whispered Ron.  
Dumbledore overheard. "Detention, both of you. I expect to see you outside the school tonight, and be prepared for a nice, harsh learning from Argus Filch." He walked away, unhappily, muttering "Is it really that obvious that I can't get her to put out?"  
Harry and Ron went back to their stuff, only to find that someone had stolen them.   
A shrill voice cried "Harry Potter must not go to Detention!"  
Harry and Ron shrugged. "Sounds like a good excuse to me," said Harry, and the two went off and hid.


	9. The detention

Chapter 9: Another Detention  
Harry and Ron had been hiding in the broom cupboard for three hours. "HARRY! QUIT TRYING TO PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN MY PANTS! I'M STRAIGHT!" Ron yelled angrily.  
"You know you want it, Ron..." said Harry.  
Suddenly the door opened. "Harry Potter! Ron Weasley! What are you doing?!" said a shocked Hermione. "I thought I meant more to you... than your friend..." she started to cry.  
Ron and Harry said at the same time, "Hermione, wait! It wasn't like that, I really do like you, this is a misunderstanding..." they trailed off, then said, "You mean YOU slept with her too?"  
Hermione slammed the door on them, and wailed, "No wonder if you switch around the letters in Harry Potter you get throat pryer... waah!"  
"What the hell?" said Harry.  
"And if you scramble around Ron Weasley, you get lawyer nose! Waah!"  
"Hermione, you're making no sense," said Ron, angrily. "Lawyer nose?"  
"Waah!"  
"Stop crying, Anger gnome hirer!" Harry commanded.  
"Yeah, green mango hirer!" Ron joined in.  
"Shut up!" cried Hermione. "I don't hire gnomes or mangos!"  
"You rehearing monger!" Harry shouted. "Let us out!"  
"Greenhorn mirage!" Ron exclaimed to Hermione. "This is kind of fun, actually.  
"You regime-run nog-her!" Harry shouted, just for the hell of it.  
"You sound so stupid. I'm leaving now." Hermione stopped crying and left.  
Ron and Harry got out of the closet. Dobby appeared, floating down from the ceiling.   
"HARRY POTTER MUST DIEEEEEE!" screamed Dobby, clutching a bloody kitchen knife.  
"Run, Harry!" said Colin. "Dobby has had too much house butterbeer again and is killing everyone in sight! I'll hold him off, and you run!" Colin grabbed a nearby pillowcase, and began to fight it out with Dobby, while Harry and Ron ran.  
"Let's hide in here!" pointed Ron. They both ran inside a nearby trash can, and closed the lid on top of them.  
Just then, Dumbledore walked by. He opened the lid. "That is the most predictable hiding spot ever, boys, you'll have to do better than that to get out of Detention."  
"Ok, Professor, we will." Ron and Harry ran to a nearby mailbox. "Is this good enough?"  
"Better, but not quite." Dumbledore commented. "You see, we wizards have no need of mailboxes, thus your hiding spot is dysfunctional and irrationally placed in this story."  
Harry and Ron watched as the mailbox dissolved around them, and ran. Dumbledore went back upstairs to his office.  
The juvenile delinquents found refuge under a nearby rug, until the janitor came to sweep up. Harry and Ron ran away to the transfiguration classroom, and hid behind a magical flowerpot.  
Professor McGonagall came in, and picked up her magical flowerpot. "Oh, my!" she exclaimed, staring in awe. "I didn't know that this type of flower was blue, all my previous samples were red! I'll ask Professor Sprout about this."  
Harry the blue flower whispered to Ron the enchanted dirt. "Red, you dumbass! Red!"  
Ron the enchanted dirt quickly changed Harry the blue flower into Harry the red flower, but not before McGonagall noticed. "Potter! Weasley! Aren't you supposed to be in detention?"  
The two changed themselves back and started running, until they bumped into Filch. "You delinquent students should be in detention by now..." Filch started chasing after the two, until they bumped into Hagrid.  
"Ey, Yer two're supposed ta be in yer DT right now, Arry!"

With McGonagall, Filch, and Hagrid all chasing after them, Harry and Ron had run out of options. "Quick, behind this gargoyle!" shouted Ron, pointing to a statue. "We'll hide in here!" The two crept behind the statue, which led to a curving case of stairs. After climbing for some time, they found it led to a door. They opened it.  
"Welcome, Harry, Ron." Dumbledore said calmly, turning around in his chair. Harry and Ron realized that they had just run right into Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore got up from his chair. "You seem to have had enough struggle trying to avert it, so I will consider your detention served." he said. "Ron, you may leave. Harry, stay."  
Harry watched as Ron ran out the door. "Dumbledore, you're not planning any perverse Headmaster-student bonding activities, are you?"  
"Of course not, Harry." Dumbledore muttered, hiding the leather whip and handcuffs behind his back. "I just need to tell you something. Something I should have told you a bunch of years ago..."


	10. The secret

Chapter 10: The Secret

  
  


Dumbledore lowered his glasses and said, "Harry, there is something that I should have told you five years ago, I have been keeping this from you."  
"What is it?" questioned Harry.  
Dumbledore's half moon spectacles then changed into dark sunglasses. "Voldemort and I are The Men in Black. You are the spawn of the illegal alien, James Potter as known as "^*#%$@*&!" . It's the end, Harry." 

"Really? He was? You are? His? Wow!"  
Dumbledore then took out a large machine gun. "No more melding with magic, Voldemort tried that and your stupid love thing protected you, now it can't help you. DIE ALIEN SCUM!!!"  
"No!" shouted Wormtail who appeared out of nowhere. "Run Harry! I'll hold him off for you, run!"  
"What the f*^%? What are you doing that for?" questioned Lord Voldemort. "Wormtail, you're a disobedient disciple, and lousy in bed!" Voldemort then raised his wand and killed Wormtail!  
"No, not Wormtail! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!" shouted Harry.  
"God damn! Even I can't scream that loud!" said Dumbledore. Voldemort then raised his wand and killed both Harry and Dumbledore.

"Now I shall rule the universe!" said Voldemort, who then had a heart attack.

Dobby walked into the office where Voldemort, Dumbledore, Wormtail, and Harry all lay dead, several hours after.


	11. The broken promise

Chapter 11: The Broken Promise

  
  


No one alive knew that Harry, Voldemort, Wormtail and Dumbledore had all died in the last three hours. In fact, only a few people even knew that Harry had been called to Dumbledore's office. One had been in Dumbledore's office since Dumbledore had died.  
Dobby, the house elf, was to be the first to enter Dumbledore's office since his death. For the house elf it had been a normal day of helping in the kitchen and scaring Peeves away around noon, until he was asked to go clean up Dumbledore's fireplace. Dobby entered the office and spotted the four dead bodies soon. He pointed his finger at them and used his mysterious elfish magic to resurrect the four. Lord Voldemort was the first to awake. Voldemort then looked at Harry and grabbed Peter Pettigrew's body and fled. Soon, Dumbledore and Harry awoke; both failing to remember what had happened after Harry had entered Dumbledore's office. Harry then realized that he was late to Transfiguration and left Dumbledore's office.  
"You shall not harm Harry Potter!" shouted Dobby. Dobby then pointed one finger at Dumbledore's de-neurelizer and it floated over to the long fingers that were Dobby's. The de-neurelizer then flashed and Dumbledore was left in a daze. "You are professor Dumbledore of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardly and you love Harry Potter so much that you would never harm him." The house elf then hid the de-neurelizer, the sunglasses, and the gun and started to clean the chimney.  
After a few minutes of daze, Dumbledore went into his bedroom and began to hang many posters of Harry Potter, but this old man wanted far more than a poster.  
*****

A little while later, Harry found Dobby crying in the corner of the third floor corridor. "Dobby," said Harry. "Why are you crying?"  
"Dobby," said Dobby between many moans and tears. "Dobby saved Harry Potter's life after Harry Potter asked Dobby not to."  
"Oh," said the confused boy. "Well, I have to find Ron and Hermione, I hope that they aren't in the broom closet again."


	12. The Ford Angila rides again

Chapter 12: The Ford Angila Flies Again  


It was another dull, wintry day before Christmas. There was no snow covering the dull brown grasses yet, but the weather seemed to be ready for snow. Harry decided to go into the Forbidden Forest to have tea with Aragog. After many minutes Harry arrived in the valley where the giant spider had lived only three years ago.

  


"Hello Aragog," said Harry. "You said that we could have tea together sometime."

  


"Actually," said the gigantic spider. "I said that we could have tea with you. Good bye, friend of Hagrid." Just as Harry was about to eaten again by thousands of spiders, the Ford Angila came to the rescue and flew Harry out of the forest.

  


Harry was enjoying the wind blowing through his hair, when the car stopped, and the Packard that Sirius and Harry had spent their short-lived vacation in rammed the Ford Angila. The Packard hit again, and Harry fell out and hit the ground with a thud.


	13. The boy who failed to wear a seatbelt

Chapter 13: The Boy who failed to wear a Seatbelt

  


Harry awoke, but he was so weak that he could not open his eyes. Soon he heard voices and slowly the voices became the familiar sound of his friends, then he died.

  


"I told Harry to wear a seatbelt at all times, but no! He survived Lord Voldemort three times, so he must not have gotten into his scared head that he would be able to survive anything." Hermione said sadly.

  


Ron did not feel the same. "Aha, now I have Hermione all to myself, but wait, Hermione may still care for him, so I must make sure that even if Harry is brought back to life that she will never love him again. Hahahahahahaha *cough* haha *cough* haha!"


	14. The boy who lived again

Chapter 14: The Boy who Lived Again

  
  


It had been days since Harry had died, but soon after Hermione went to the library to see if there was anyway to bring Harry back. Ron went too, but rather reluctantly for he secretly hoped that Hermione would find no way to bring him back and give up on Harry. After this, he thought, she would use all of her energy on making love to him.  


  
  


"Hermione," said Ron one day. "How did you get all of these ingredients like balls of vampire and breasts of mad cow?"

  
  


"Well, Ron, Snape gave them to me if I closed my eyes and sucked this mayonnaise out of a tube. I wonder if that was some ingredients for some of his potions, if it was, I must have wasted a lot of it by spitting it out. He made some funny noises while I did this."

  


"Oh…… Hermione you shouldn't have do that to Snape"

  


"Ron, the potion is done, and Harry shall be alive again!" Hermione then took the small cauldron and poured the boiling contents all over Harry.

  


Harry then came back to life, but it seemed more like Hermione had used waken Harry. Harry then smiled and looked at his friends and then at himself. "Why am I covered in this green liquid and what happened to my virginity?"

  


Hermione refused to say, she sat there and stared at the stone floor.

  


"Hey, why is my dick so tiny?" Harry shouted looking at Ron.

  


Ron looked around nervously and then hid his wand.


	15. The bad trip

Chapter 15

  
  


One day Harry was smoking magic-LSD, minding his own business, getting high, making love, and saying goodbye. Note the getting high part. Harry was so high that he didn't notice that he had walked into the stone wall of his bedroom until his head hit the ground and he went unconscious, thus starting... HARRY'S BAD TRIP...

  


*******  
One day Harry was fishing in the lake, minding his own business when suddenly a shark came and bit him on the nose. Harry said "Why didn't you get my soup like I'll have my mice free?" The shark didn't joke, but rather forgot your drawer and veal, with carols and merriment." Harry decided the rats weren't worth the blue, so he did a little Christmas tree a favor by blowing it's nose. The sad fir said "My head is hurting me." Harry decided to give it some good cold medicine so that running horses will dare to question my book. Harry springingly shredded a gas tank, once to find a naked Fleur Delacour standing next to him. She put her arms around him, and they subsequently put the cassette into the tape player, climaxing when Harry said goodbye to her, and then harry found himself in a cold, cold place with no newbies or kites, and he started to like pretty underground caverns. The wall next to him started breathing, and as Harry went to touch it, a bright light suddenly shone up the wall. Harry knew what was next. He had seen it in his dreams, haunting him for what seemed like an eternity. McGonagall appeared before him, in her lingerie. "Shall we shag now or shag later, Harry?" she said coyly.

  


*******  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

screamed Harry. He rocked side to side in fetal position for several hours, until Ron found him.

  
  


"Harry, what's wrong? Bad trip?" Harry, still petrified from the vivid images, couldn't even nod. He just rocked some more, trying to make it all stop. "Harry, are you all right?" Ron bent over him. Harry tried to shake his head, but thought of McGonagall shaking her hips, and cried some more. Ron, making sure no one was around, mentally said "Harry is so defenseless... I can take advantage of him!" Ron tried to roll Harry over, but decided against defiling poor defiled harry, because he was whimpering too loudly, and someone might come. Come to find out what the noise was, that is.

  


Harry's mind was too frigid to move off the image of McGonagall in her underwear. A big red banner flashed "This is what happens when you take Magic-LSD. D-A-R-E. Be cool. Don't do drugs." Harry, Ron, and McGonagall all went off stage because the commercial shoot was over.


	16. The Mommy Malfoy

Chapter 16: Mommy Malfoy

  
  


"It isn't fair." whined Harry. "Hermione got to slap him, you tried to curse him, Barty Crouch jr. turned him into a ferret and his dad turned him into a house elf over the summer for his own entertainment! So why can't I curse him?"

  


"Well Harry," said Ron. "you shouldn't curse Malfoy, because remember when Buckbeak gave Malfoy a scratch? The poor animal almost was killed! Even if everyone else curses the prick, you still shouldn't do it. If Hermione didn't hate him--" whatever Ron was about to say, Harry would never know.

  


"I wouldn't be so sure of that, Weasel," said Malfoy evilly.

  


"What were you doing with my girl?" bellowed Ron, trying to look tough.

  


"Your girl, Ron? She is my girl," shouted Harry. "I'm the hero and the hero always gets the girl. The side kick is almost always killed in the end so that the stupid people watching it finally realize that the guy with the evil laugh and black cloak is evil."

  


"Well, whoever is her boy," said Malfoy in a drawling voice. "I put the Imperius Curse and made her make love to me, probably something that neither of you have ever done with her."

  


"Hey, Malfoy!" shouted Hermione who had seemed to have appeared behind their back. "It seems that you got me pregnant. Transpotus myus babyus intous youus! Haha! Enjoy being a mommy, Draco."

  


"Get back here, Mudblood!" shouted Malfoy in such a high pitched voice that the group of second years passing by stared. "My father will hear of this, I shall have my revenge!"

  


"Oh, I wouldn't tell your father, Mommy Malfoy. You would get dumped in Azkaban if people found out you used the Imperius Curse. Oh, the maternal student section is on the left of the nineteenth floor, near the statue of Bob the boob. Oh, Harry," said Hermione now looking at him. "I don't want you cursing the carrier of my child, you can curse him after he gives birth."

  


"Okay Hermione."


	17. The family tree of Dobby

Chapter 17: Dobby's Family Tree

  


Harry was busy plagiarizing an essay in the common room when suddenly a big blue blur blew past him. It yelled, "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!" very loudly, then proceeded to fly around Harry's face several times and pinch his nose.  


"What the hell? Dobby?" said Harry, annoyed.  


The blue thing stopped, and said, "I'm not Dobby, I'm Dobby's cousin, Wobby!" Wobby bowed.  


Harry scratched his head. "But why can't I go back to Hogwarts? I mean, I'm already there."  


Wobby realized that suddenly, and then threw Harry out the window. "Harry Potter must never go back to Hogwarts!" He slammed the window shut.  


Harry ran to the front steps, but the door was closed with a sign saying, "Do not open until Christmas." Then Harry climbed in the window. Once he was down from the window and inside, he realized he was in a room that he had never been in before. "Where the hell am I?" he asked no one in particular.  


A voice came down from the ceiling. "You are in the room of insaneness, Harry Potter."

  
  


"Who are you?" yelled Harry.  


"I am Dobby's uncle once removed, Bobby. You were not supposed to enter Hogwarts, and now you will face the consequences," said Bobby's booming, ominous voice.  


"Let me out, Bobby!" said Harry.  


Bobby said "No."  


Harry said, "Yes."  


Bobby said "No."  


Harry said "Why not?"  


Bobby replied by kicking him in the balls. Harry fell down in pain. Bobby took this moment of weakness by body slamming Harry. Harry was flattened and fell unconscious while Bobby was hitting him on the head with various objects.  
******  


Harry woke up to an ugly face. "Bobby?" he asked  


The ugly face shook itself. "I'm Bobby's gangsta brother, Mobby."

  
  


"Hi, Mobby. I don't suppose you can let me out, can you?" said Harry.  


"No, Harry Potter, I can't." said Mobby.  


"Harry Potter was not supposed to go back into Hogwarts!" said another shrill voice.  


"Dobby?" asked Harry.  


"I'm not Dobby, I'm Dobby's corny grandmother, Cobby." said Cobby.  


Harry got up and jumped out of the window. "Bye, Cobby. Nice to know you."

  
  


"Bye, Harry!" said Cobby, Mobby, Bobby, and a random house elf that was Dobby's great uncle seventeen times removed.  


Harry went through the door, only to be greeted by Dobby. "Hello, Harry Potter! You were not supposed to go back to Hogwarts. Now you will face my wrath! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Dobby, who shot magic fire at Harry.  


Harry reflected it onto Dobby, who was burned to a crisp. "Bye, Dobby. I need to go back to plagiarizing a magic essay."

  
  


"Harry... Potter... wait..." gasped Dobby.  


Harry went back to Dobby's burned body. "What now?"

  
  


"I... need... to... tell... you... something... important.........." Dobby gasped.  


"What is it?" asked Harry.  


Dobby wheezed, "Harry... I..."

  
  


"Yeah, what is it?"

  
  


"I……love you..."  


Harry was so freaked out that he instinctively tossed Dobby's body into a trashcan, and then tossed the trashcan containing Dobby into the lake. "Tough luck, pillow case boy! My heart belongs to Cho!"  


Cho suddenly appeared. "Harry Potter, you are an asshole. You killed my one and only love, Cedric! Get out of my sight." Cho kicked him into the lake.  


Harry watched her go. He saw Dobby floating nearby in his trashcan. "Dobby! My love!" he burbled out, reaching for him.  


Harry grabbed a random merfolk. "ARGH! LANDLING!" he screamed, brandishing his trident. "NOW YOU DIE!"  


******  


Harry crawled out of the lake barely alive. He went back up to the common room to keep plagiarizing, only to find McGonagall standing in front of 'his' essay, with a scowl on her face. 

  
  


"Mr. Potter."

  
  


"Yeah?" said Harry.  


"Are you plagiarizing?" she asked.  


"No." said Harry.  


"Are you sure?" McGonagall said. "See, you and wrote the same exact thing that the 

author of this book wrote, and I was that author!"  


"Do these eyes lie?" asked Harry sweetly, showing her his hypnotic eyes.  


"Ak... eyes... greenness... blinding... must... resist... agh!" struggled McGonagall, trying not to succumb to Harry's hypnotically green eyes of hypnotism.  


"Hehehe..." laughed Harry, as McGonagall finished the rest of the essay for him, and gave him an A+.


	18. The OWLs

Chapter 18: The OWLs

  
  


Harry awoke to find everyone else in his dormitory were all awake and busy studying. "What the hell are you all doing?" Harry shouted.  


"Well, the OWLs are in an hour, and we're not going to get any unless we study! OWLs, that is." said Neville Longbottom.  


*****  


Professor McGonagall gathered all of the fifth year Gryffindors and led them to the hundred and fifty-first corridor. She and Professor Snape put them in alphabetical order. She then opened the scroll that she had read off of during the Sorting Ceremony. Harry imaged what sort of tasks they would have to do, and the one thing that he kept thinking of was that this was like the Triwizard tournament that he had competed in. Harry looked ahead and saw Hermione was telling anyone who would listen what sort of things they had to do.  


*****  


"Harry Potter!" shouted professor McGonagall. "It is your turn, dear."  


Harry walked into the dark room where he would be soon taking the test. He looked around and saw nothing but a rock and a top hat in the room.  


"Mr. Potter, your first task is to pull a bunny out of that hat."  


Harry thought of what sort of spell to use and then he remembered, the magic cap charm. He put the charm on the hat and pulled out a playboy bunny. The playboy bunny started to take off her clothes when there was a snap and she was no more. "Why did you take her away?" asked Harry. "It was just getting good."  


"Your second task is to turn that rock into a monkey!"  


Harry used a transfiguration spell and by accident put in too much power and turned the rock into George W. Bush.  


"You have done well so far, Harry, make it sing."  


Harry thought of another charms for this and applied it to George. George W. Bush started to sing the horrible lyrics of Britney Spears, but he was way off key!  


"Now make it dance to the music, Harry."  


Harry used the Imperius Curse on Bush, which easily worked since he was so stupid and had a will as strong as puddy. Bush started to dance, but could not do some of the moves Britney could do because he was a guy and not a gal. No one seemed to mind the fact that Harry Potter had used the Imperius Curse on Bush, but he agreed with the judges since Bush was really a rock.  


"Congrats, Harry, now lets test your potion skills."  


Bush turned into a stone cauldron and a fire was lit underneath, soon potion ingredients appeared.  


"Now Harry, I want you to brew the slut potion and use it on Professor McGonagall."  


Harry thought that this was impossible, how could he turn the most ugly and oldest female teacher in all the land into something sexier than Fleur? He wasn't even sure if the potion could make her even sexier than Hermione before her growth over her summer two years ago. Harry spent an hour adding all sorts of ingredients such as virgin's blood, Austin Powers' mojo and even veela tongue. Soon his potion was ready and Professor McGonagall enter the room in her red see through thong and watching bra. Harry tried to keep his eyes closed and she drank the potion. When Harry opened his green eyes he saw his teacher was so sexy he was ready to plug his plug into her charger even though he knew she was sixty-five years older than him.  


There was a pop noise and professor Dumbledore appeared and said "Harry, you have just received 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 OWLs! Now I will take professor McGonagall until the potion wears away, and the other hundred gallons of that potion. Don't tell anyone about the last task you had to do or where are Professor McGonagall and I." Professor Dumbledore grabbed Professor McGonagall and the potion and disappeared.  


Harry left the room and used the memory charm on himself for he could not get rid of the image of Professor McGonagall (before she took the potion) in a thong out of his mind, or what he imagined Dumbledore would be doing with her and the potion tonight


	19. The Chamber of portraits

Chapter 19: The Chamber of Portraits

  


Harry dragged his huge feet to the North Tower for another hour of suffering in Divination. Harry must have arrived early for there was no one around. Harry wondered about how Ron was doing since he mispronounced the wandus breakus charm and ending up breaking every bone in his body while he was still horny from making out with Hermione during Charms.  


Harry climbed up the silver ladder and entered the room. An odd sight met him, all of the windows were open and Professor Trelawny was dead. He looked at her and realized that the person who had attacked her had taken her eyes too. Harry looked around the room and saw that the Persian rug that covered the floor was really torn in one spot. He came closer to this spot and saw there was a trapdoor. Foolishly, Harry jumped down the trapdoor with no idea of where it lead to and what he might find there.  


Down he fell, for hours he fell and fell, faster and faster he went and finally he saw the ground. He used transformed the floor into jello and manage to survive the fall but, ended up breaking his arm that had already lost all the bones in it, and had been poisoned twice. He reversed the spell and walked down the hall. Here and there he saw picture of Gypsies and other mysterious fortunetellers. Harry came to one that looked like his mother, she kept on turning into a cat and back, but she had no eyes.   


Harry came to the end of the hall, where was a large cupboard that contained all sorts of objects that were probably used in Divination and a metal stairway. Harry climbed the stairs, suddenly the stairs swayed back and forth Harry put his wand in his left hand and climbed the silver stairs, with his right arm holding tight to the railing.  


At the top of these stairs was a round room with many doors and twelve candles spread about the room. Harry noticed one of the doors was open. Could this be the same as the dream that he had dreamt over the summer, night after night? Harry opened the door and gasped.


	20. The eyes

Chapter 20: The Eyes

  
  


Harry fell down a long time through the trap door, until he finally landed on top of a large plant. "Oh, no! A Devil's Snare!" said Harry, who quickly lit some flames to make it go away. Then he found a giant troll, who he stuck his wand up its nose and killed it with his patented Barney-inducing spell. Then he came upon a giant chess set. "This seems too repetitious for comfort..." he mused, easily winning. Then he found a bunch of potions, with a riddle underneath them, reading;   


"HAHAHAHA, Harry Potter! All of these potions are poison, and since I lit magical fire over both doors you will never leave alive! HAHAHAHA! Signed, Voldemort."  


Harry shrugged, and climbed out the window, wondering what the hell Voldemort was doing mixing potions when everyone knew that he failed Potions class miserably.  


Voldemort, who was sitting on the ceiling, watched Harry easily evade his plan. "So... a smart one, eh? Well, let's see how he handles... this!" he said, using his patented Teletubby-inducing spell on Harry, who was just about to climb out safely.  


"AAAAH!" screamed Harry, held tight by the neon overweight monsters. "HELP ME, SOMEONE! VOLDEMORT!!! IF YOU DON'T MAKE THEM STOP I'LL TELL EVERYONE ABOUT YOUR SECRET BUNNY RABBIT FETISH!"  


Voldemort quickly made the Teletubbies stop, drawing them back into his wand. "Harry... you wouldn't."  


"I would, you dirty bunny-humping perv!" Harry yelled, getting to his feet, clutching his wand.  


"You'll be dead before you'll ever see another sunrise!" said Voldemort, dramatically. 

"Expelliarmus!" Voldemort caught Harry's wand. "Now, without your wand, you stand no chance against me. Now--"  


Harry pulled out a revolver, shooting Voldemort in the knee. "If you're going to shoot someone, shoot, don't talk!"  


Voldemort magically healed his knee. "Your wand of metal is of great power, Harry, but I must finally reveal the secret that I, myself, have been keeping. It is about your mother, Harry."  


"What about her?" said Harry, his green eyes flashing. "If you say 'I am your father, it'll be soooooo lame."  


Voldemort stared at Harry's eyes intently. "I wasn't going to." he mumbled, trying to think of what else to say. "Harry... you have... your mother's eyes."  


"Everyone says that." said Harry, his green eyes going purple. "What about it?"  


"They aren't your eyes, they're hers." Voldemort muttered, walking closer to Harry, reaching his hand out. "Her magical eyes of power... I must have them... they remind me of my sweet Lily... and besides they look awfully cool."  


"No way!" said Harry, his eyes going red. "These are my eyes!"  


"Lily gave them to you just before she died. She wanted you to have their power..." reminisced Voldemort, flashing back to the fateful day...  


****  


Lily was holding Harry. Voldemort was standing above her, his long wand pointing up and in his hand. "Lily, give it to me..."  


"Don't you mean 'him,' Tommy?" Lily said, frightened, clutching baby Harry.  


"Lily, resistance is pointless. Now turn around and do it!" he said evilly, his long wand pointed toward Lily.  


"Eek! Stop!" yelled Lily. Seeing that Voldemort was either going to kill Harry or kill her too, she pressed a button on the side of her head. Her green eyes popped out. "Here, Harry!" she yelled, popping her eyes into his eye sockets, and using the old ones for chewing gum. "Take these magical eyeballs, so that you will be safe from all evil eyedrops!"  


Voldemort pushed Lily down, brandishing his large wand. "Now, Lily. Die!" He killed her, and tried to kill Harry, but didn't and you know the rest.  


****  


Harry stared in shock. "You know, Tommy, your wand isn't that long."  


Voldemort pulled out his wand. "It's bigger than yours will ever be! Anyway, I mean my magic wand."  


Lil' Kim and 50 cent popped in, signing "I've got the magic stick... what! what! Magic... I got the magic stick... I know if I hit it once... I hit it twice... I got the magic stick..."  


Voldemort killed them both. "NOT THAT KIND OF MAGIC STICK! I mean a magic wand!"  


"Uh huh, sure." said Harry. "I can understand if you have stature problems, but really, Tommy."  


"DON'T CALL ME TOMMY! ONLY LILY CAN CALL ME THAT! AT LEAST SHE APPRECIATED MY MAGIC WAND!"  


"Why? It's just a wand." said Harry, obliviously.  


"Not that kind of wand, Harry." said Voldemort. "I still haven't told you the other secret, other than the one about your eyes being Lily's." Voldemort prepared to divulge the secret....


	21. The true father

Chapter 21: The true father

  


"I..." said Voldemort, tearing up. "I am your father, Harry."  


"What the f#$%? I thought I told you that it would sound totally lame!" Harry said.  


"I mean I actually am your father, Harry. As in I actually did the nasty with Lily and unfortunately you were the result. Therefore, it is not because of some mystical magical reversal that you have a lot of my powers, it's because you are my son."  


Harry was totally grossed out. "No way!"  


Suddenly a big hole was smashed in from outside of the wall. Sirius walked in through the hole. "It's not true, Harry! Don't believe a word he says! I am your father!"  


Harry stared, stunned, at Sirius. "Are not. I'm quite sure it was James Potter, thus my last name."  


"It should be Harry Black, but Lily flipped a coin and decided against me. But she did make me your godfather, at least." Sirius concluded.  


Someone walked through the resulting hole. "Liars, all of you! I am Harry's true father!" It was Snape.  
"AAH! SNAPE! SAY IT ISN'T SO!" screamed Harry.  


Snape nodded grimly. "Sorry to say it, Harry, but I am."  


Suddenly a yellow spongy person walked through the door. "Wrong! Harry is my son!" said Spongebob Squarepants.  


"No!" said Dumbledore. "Harry is mine!"  


Suddenly another figure walked through the hole. "Untrue, once again!" It was Lupin. "I am Harry Potter's true father. Or should I say...Harry Lupin?"  


Now all of them were arguing. "Harry Riddle!" "Harry Black!" "Harry Lupin!" "Harry Snape!" "Harry Dumbledore!" "Harry Squarepants!"  


Harry ran away a couple meters, stopping at the door. "Just tell me who is my real father!"  


All of them looked down, too ashamed to speak. Harry stuttered out, finally guessing at the truth. "Y... You don't mean... all of you... did....?"  


"That's right, Harry." said Voldemort. "Lily Potter, me, Sirius, James, Remus, Dumbledore, Severus, and Spongebob. Same bed, same night."  


"GROOOOOOSSSSSSS!" said Harry, vomiting on top of Spongebob, who quickly sucked it up and died of infection, incinerating himself on the spot.  


Voldemort, Sirius, Lupin, Snape, Dumbledore, and Harry instinctively ran away from each other, and grabbed their wands. "AVADA KADAVRA!" they all shouted, instantly killing everyone present. Dobby gathered the Dragonballs, and wished them all back to life.  


"Where am I?" said Harry, waking up in a daze.  


Dobby stood over him, then dragged him to a more secluded spot. "Now Harry Potter is at Dobby's mercy! Mwahahaha--" he trailed off, plotting what he might do to the poor, defenseless Harry. Dobby quickly ran out of air because he forgot to breathe and fainted.

  
  


Harry woke up and ran away from the sleeping Dobby as fast as he could.


	22. The return to Privet drive

Chapter 22: Back at Privet Drive

  


"Get in there!" shouted a purple faced Uncle Vernon through the crack in the door that he was trying so hard to close.

  


"No!" replied Harry. "I must go find Hermione and make her fall in love with me!"

  


Pig then flew in Harry's window and said in a mysteriously high-pitched voice, "Harry Potter must not go back to Hermione."

  


While Harry stared at the door in curiosity Uncle Vernon closed the door and quickly locked it. "Hah, now you shall live here forever!"

  


Harry then ignored his uncle and turned back to Pig, "But I must go back to Hermione and make love with her, this summer I shall go to her house and we shall become far too close for Ron to pry apart. What are you doing here anyway?"

  


Pig then sat still and stuck out his leg "I have a letter to you from Ron."

  


Harry took the note from the owls leg and read it

  


Dear Harry  
I have lost *one of Harry's fans* and now you shall lose your girl. Hermione is mine.  
Ron

  


Harry then went under his bed and reached into the lose floorboard there he found among his pornography collection, a calendar to mark the days till September the first. The rest of the summer was to be the oddest of all summers at the Dursley house.


End file.
